The noble courtesy of discreet giving.
Why is it not enough to present our giving to the intended recipient privately?
When we give material help, especially that which has a price tag or financial weight, why are we so eager for people to know we are helping, and who we are helping? In this reflection, I hope to encourage us to change course and return to the noble way of Secret Altruism.
The Shame of the Spotlight
The most wonderful time of the year has dawned once more and I find myself contemplating giving.
For the past few years, we’ve gone to family for Christmas Day celebrations where I’ve often found myself drained of all cheer. From the moment the dreaded invitation arrives, I endure an exhausting grappling with whether I must again steel my heart and set my face as flint to face the chilling shame of being the only ones who have not brought material gifts, whilst receiving and having to open lavish gifts bought for us.
The tradition in the family—whether Christmas, birthdays or baby showers—has been such that people bring gifts, and for some reason, the gifts must be opened in view of everyone, and the giver must be named. So, if you can, because I now know not everyone has the capacity to abstract how others could possibly feel about certain circumstances—imagine the frigid horror of waiting for all the gifts to be opened and the scorching shame when they are all done and you have received gifts, but your name has not been announced among the givers.
Last year, I encouraged my husband that we should just go and consider our presence as the gift, because indeed we are more valuable than anything purchased with money. I had said this in the hope and wager that we would be better off financially this year so as to join in the “Gifted Givers” club, rank, clique, league… whatever, you name it. But alas, we are even worse off, and I have spent the past couple of months agonizing about the dreaded invitation.
You see, the situation is a catch-22. Missing Christmas Day lunch means missing special times and memories with people we love. Now, when it was just the two of us, it was quite fine, because, well, we had each other. Now we are in a rock and a hard place because we have a little person who needs to know and spend precious time and moments with her grandparents, aunts, and cousins, and should indeed benefit from much doting and gifting.
This whole fiasco has had me spiralling into a dungeon of depression, and just when I was ready to send my regrets, I remembered to reach for the Lifeline. Now safe on shore I recline to contemplate a most excellent way.
Returning to the Way of Secret Altruism
We live in a time where our breakfast cannot be enjoyed without first capturing several frames to broadcast on our statuses and feeds. It is a time when it is also incredibly scarce to miss charitable deeds and truly ordinary, common-sense “random acts of kindness,” as they are wantonly splayed for advertising.
It was at an orphanage Christmas party some years back when the madness of advertising our giving to the poor completely broke my heart. At this party, we brought some toys and take-out snacks for the orphan children. As we handed these things out, some of the children broke out in tears, the kind that only a heart overwhelmed with both unspeakable joy and sorrow could shed. And then I saw the cameras come out to defile the holy moment, and my heart gasped before dropping to pieces.
Some years later I launched a community initiative and my donor requested pictures. The thought of taking pictures of people enjoying communion over a warm meal felt deeply dishonoring for the persons, and deeply disturbing to my soul. I found myself in a dilemma. To get funding, it seems one must display and advertise what one is doing—even if it is demeaning for the captured subjects. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to take the pictures, and for a while I was dejected at the thought that I would be losing out on catalogues to showcase to potential funders.
Now, if you can, imagine the great vindication and consolation I found in Christ’s teaching that affirmed my heart’s aversion to showing off my giving as not a fault but a noble courtesy, and that I could count on the One who sees whatever is done in secret to grant reward—in this case, the much-needed funding for the initiative!
There’s a truly glorious feeling that comes from receiving acknowledgement, profuse thanks, and even worship for gifts or financial help given, for which we can quickly grow addicted.
A lifetime ago when I was able to dish out money and gifts, I was swooped in the bliss of a god-complex. It felt so good to have people look to me to give to them and supply all their needs according to my riches in glory, to have my lavish gifts light up their days and lives, to bask in their many thanks and grateful hearts.
I am sure most people are not as vile as I was and only enjoy the normal elation that swoons the heart from bestowing gifts that delight another. It is pleasurable indeed to give, for as it is written, it is more happy to give than to receive.
The Vulnerability of Receiving
When I was cast from my lofty childhood lifestyle to the ragged refugee life, I endured several years gagging on the shame of receiving. There were a few staggering occasions where a shameless giver would broadcast: “Sophie, Shadrack, we had these cans that have expired or leftovers about to go off, or things we were about to throw away, and thought to bring them to you.”
People say, “please feel no shame to ask, or please feel no shame that you need, or please don’t feel shame that I am giving you.”
The reality, however, is that being on the receiving end is a very vulnerable position, and if the giver is wicked, they will only cause harm and dishonor to those whom they give.
I believe this is why Christ commands us to avoid broadcasting our giving, but to keep it so secret to the virtually impossible extent of our right hand not knowing what the left is doing. Woah. That’s wild. I still can’t wrap my mind around how to be so discreet, but by jove, I’ll die trying.
Despite the difficulty, I attest to the fact that it is possible to practice secret altruism if our motives are pure.
When we give, we often say that we are doing it to help or delight a loved one or for another’s sake, but if we can be true, we will observe that most of our giving is for personal pleasure—the pleasure of administering, delivering, and sharing pleasure—particularly in a world that can be as bleak as this one.
On the surface, there is little wrong about seeking to administer, deliver pleasure, and alleviate life’s unhappiness, but since we cannot help drawing out applause and attention toward ourselves in our giving, our giving is amiss on a count of self-seekingness and therefore corrupt.
Perspective Shifts on Giving and Receiving
The way we give and receive are patterns of the modelling we observed as children. If, like most of us, you endured a childhood where giving was used as the power tool for control and manipulation, then you learned a transactional relational model. You grow up to use giving to control, manipulate, or to establish superiority and personal ego/validation, while receiving becomes utterly shameful—a burden of debt and obligation.
It takes a lot of spirit work to uncurl into a posture of giving with a pure heart and receiving with a grateful heart. I am coming to understand this as I continue to rehabilitate from my distorted perception.
I am coming to see that suffering the pride of giving and the shame of receiving is a delusion of self-sufficiency. The reality is that life is an interdependent symbiosis that revolves on the courteous flow of gracious giving and receiving.
Indeed, receiving has been denigrated by givers with corrupt motivations whose indiscreet giving exposes the recipients to public disgrace. And therein arises the steep road to receiving with a grateful heart.
Shifting from shamefaced receiving requires humility first: Humility to accept the interdependent fact of life where Life is pleased to grant lavishly, and that the reasonable response is simply acceptance with gladness of heart.
As with the giver who looks to the Heavenly Father for his reward, thanksgiving for all good gifts received must be directed to our Heavenly Father, giving thanks for the vessel from which the gifts flowed and proclaiming a blessing to the giver.
Giving is a righteous imperative, so when we give, we are fundamentally doing good despite our deprivation.
Whether you are the over-giver who gives incessantly to avoid conflict or rejection, or to garner affection, or the power-giver giving expensive or public gifts to showcase your wealth, superiority, or using your publicized generosity for ego validation, it is necessary to face that these postures are defects from dysfunctional modelling internalized when you were a child. Rejecting these wicked motivations must become your daily pursuit, and striving for the maturity of discreet generosity, your goal, holding on to the wisdom that only giving that is done in complete confidentiality so no one, not even yourself, boasts about it is good.
Our only motive for giving must be love of the greatest order, that is, wholehearted reverence for God, and our neighbor.
When our giving is in honour of God then it is pure, and only then can we bear for Him alone to know what we have done, and thereby allow the pleasure of our giving to extend beyond the moment of our grandiosity. I am reminded here of the sweet pleasure of gifts from a secret admirer and how the mystery makes the delight truly lasting and thrilling!
For the giver who delights in pleasing God, theirs is a greater and eternal reward from the Ultimate Generous Giver: Our Heavenly Father.
Who in the fullness of time, in the secret and silence of night, sent His one and only Son into the world bearing gifts of eternal life, deliverance from darkness into His wonderful light, and the right to become children of God!
Restored to the Heart of Beautiful Exchanges
Aligned to these shifts, I return to a quaint afternoon unfolding: a delicious table welcomes and gladdens hearts. But as the meal ends, a dampness descends, announcing the dreaded moment of subtle boasting and unintended humiliation. One after another, gifts are opened and givers are named—some to glory, others to bitter reduction, others to quiet embarrassment.
Shaking off the familiar chill of shame, I rise to receive the lavish gifts gladly, praising God for the vessel from whom He has transmitted them. I cannot reciprocate their monetary value, but I command my soul to say, as Peter and John of long ago: ‘Silver and gold have I not, but such as I have I give. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I pray God’s rich blessing and favor be upon this willing conduit of His love.’
Now restored into the heart of beautiful exchanges, I am being trained for the day I will again be a vessel for God’s material generosity. I find myself released to reframe the capturing of charitable deeds—not as a display of my hand, but as a testimony to the loving kindness of our Heavenly Father. So, look out for a picture or two from our next Binge On Word events! 😉
Be watchful, also, when you next give, that you stand firm in the noble way of Secret Altruism. And when you receive, allow your heart to swell with gladness, giving praise to your generous Father and proclaiming a blessing over the vessel He chose to use.
xoxo
Nimi
Kingdom Purposed Daughter 
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