Do you hate yourself?
To admit that we hate ourselves is a tremendously vulnerable and courageous thing to do in a time when the buzz is #selfie, #selflove #selfcare.
It was at a merry luncheon when my aunt confessed that she hates herself that I was tackled with this rattling probing.
The moment the words left her lips, a heavy silence fell over the room and for a brief stifling while, every soul at the table contemplated the weight of her innocent confrontation.
I’d always wrestled with a torment of deep self-hatred but I had no idea that other people were also plagued by this menace until my aunt dared to lay her heart bare for those with eyes to see and those with ears to hear.
The reckoning has been the echo of my life several years on, and the inspiration for personal exploration as to why I thoroughly hate myself.
The immediate response when we use the word hate is “Oh, that’s a strong word to use”, or “Oh sure you don’t mean that.” But to anyone who has endured even a moment of feeling intense dislike for themselves, it is not a strong enough word.
Throughout the years, I’ve sought out more precise synonyms, hoping to grasp one that accurately pinned down my abhorrence with all that was me. Beginning with my appearance, voice, gait, mannerisms, nuances, laugh, and odor, I could not fail to notice something that nauseated me. Most of all I loathed how desperately deficient of light and sparkles, sunshine and charm, or wit and poise I was.
A day in my life, my thought life, in particular, was a scene from a demented movie where a severely troubled soul repeatedly stabs their brain, face, and body with shards of grotesquely jagged glass, or dagger in an attempt to rid themselves of the maddening splinter that is their very self.
A day in my outer world was one of overcompensation with bucket-loads of make-up, platitudes, vibes, and hypes. But these modes were always utterly draining and unsustainable. As a result, I always craved hide-outs and coverings, in the form of people in whose shadows I could at least disappear, if not totally be extinguished.
Looking back, I am mesmerized by this strange effect. Indeed it is from tracing its cause by carefully inspecting my past where I discovered the various events that translated in my dreadful self-loathing, where words became flesh.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Through the Word, all things were made. Through the Word is life. As long as the Word is with God and is God.
Humans are made in the image of God, therefore through our words, things are made, and through our word life can be. But because humanity is corrupted with the deadly virus, Sin, through our words, things are destroyed and through our words, things die.
The words that shape our formative years have a critical impact on the vocabulary we assume in our thinking. It is in our minds that we wield the powerful force of words to create the nightmares, fantasies, and realities we proceed to live through.
Parents are as gods to their children and thereby carry an impossible burden to speak only beautiful words of life, yet they too are but mortals incomparable to and under God. Environments and experiences can also drastically outline the confines in which we create the narratives that govern our lives. Therefore, words spoken or withheld by parents, environments, and experiences form the foundation of the mental characteristics and attitudes of the impressionable person who yet has to discover the ultimate, incorruptible Word that identifies and defines all.
The delicacy of words is ravenously and indiscriminately devoured by our minds but just like in child nutrition, those early words of identity, belonging, purpose, capacity, and function influence the whole health of how we see God, ourselves, and others.
The primary and eternal Word through which everything was made, and through which is life is love. Love that is perfectly patient and kind. Love that is content, modest and meek. Love that is reverent, selfless, temperate, and forgiving. Love that hates evil and celebrates truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love that never fails
So if we hate ourselves, we may recognize that the words that have shaped this false self-concept are invalid because without the Word nothing was made that has been made.
Now what was made was made to demonstrate the glory of the Word, that is God, who is Love. As such, the greatest commandment is to love. To love God, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. But how do we love our neighbor if we hate ourselves?
My brother told me this parable to express the common encouragement with regards to the second greatest commandment:
‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Jesus, The Christ
There was once a little boy whose dream was to one day walk into a McDonald’s and buy himself a Big Mac burger. Since the little boy’s parents were poor, he determined to collect coins that he found on the many streets and roads he adventured. After a long while, the little boy reached his goal, and with a tally of coins enough to make his Big Mac dream come true, he raced to the nearest McDonald’s. As he entered, there was another little boy pitifully sprawled on the pavement covered in a tattered mucky piece of blanket. The little boys’ eyes met briefly before the little dreamer boy opened the door to go inside his wonderland. With giddy anticipation, he stood in the queue waiting for his turn to utter the words “may I please have a Big Mac burger”. The counter lady is sweet and pleasant. She patiently counts every coin and proudly smiles when she finds the sum of it. The little boy grins and shuffles with excitement. Oh, what glory he feels as he sees his order approaching. He sways to the orchestra crescendo that brings this moment to its climax. He can hardly contain the froth in his mouth but because he wants to savor his burger in the peace and quiet of home he steps toward the exit. As soon as he swings the door open, the wretched little boy heaves himself into a half-sitting sprawl, his whole manner miserably begging.
“Should the little dreamer boy give the burger to the little beggar boy?” my brother asked, jolting me from the riveting tale. “Perhaps the dreamer boy can give the beggar boy half of the burger.” I offered.
“No. Little Dreamer should wholly eat and thoroughly enjoy his burger so that he knows the fulness and satisfaction of experiencing a dream coming true.” My brother counseled.
Yes. It is indeed quite sad when selfless-prone people deplete or disenfranchise themselves for the sake of others. It is certainly not the intuitive way, nor is it according to the last two words of the Christ’s second commandment, “as yourself.”
How can we give what we don’t have? Is it possible to love others if we do not love ourselves?
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Jesus, The Christ
One of the weaknesses of my personality type is martyrdom. I was a sucker for plying others with love and resources but was unable to apply the same to myself. It seems this is a common misappropriation of Christ’s second command that often finds the culprits in dire burnout, resentment, and fruitlessness.
One of the reasons people like me have for being selfless and compassionate to others but harsh and condemning to themselves is that they believe that others deserve compassion and love but to extend these to oneself is self-centered or morally remiss. Another reason is that we misunderstand the Scriptures and the heart of God. I’ll even go further and say that the root of this condition is what my father called inferior pride, but pride nonetheless.
Nowadays we are encouraged to love ourselves, give to ourselves, and serve ourselves so that we may know how and have the means to love, give to, and serve others. While this is a nice encouragement, I’m afraid the devil in its equivocation may entrap us or cause us to stray from the Truth.
To avoid the prideful self-deception of self-debasement, we need to be aware and vigilantly guard the knowledge of who our neighbor is. Scripture scholars have determined that the original meaning of neighbor denotes the person closest to us at any moment. So, to the point of the prescriptions to self-love, self-care, and self-serve, because we are indeed our closest companions.
Yes, it is true that how we love ourselves will overflow into how we love others. But I have observed and personally found that these efforts rather steer our propensity for inappropriate self-importance.
In his letter to the Romans, and us, apostle Paul instructs:
The assurance God has distributed to all the world is that He so loves us all, enough to die and then resurrect in a glorious demonstration of His incomparable love. Thinking of ourselves any other way than this is defiance, rebellion, pride, sin.
Another assurance God has dispensed to all the world is that we lack nothing. We in fact in all things, and at all times, have everything that we need to abound in every good work. Therefore, we cannot say that “we cannot give what we do not have”, and thus, I propose that it is indeed possible to love our neighbor even if we suffer the affliction of self-loathing. The caveat eternally remains humbling ourselves under the mighty hand of God.
A maxim of Christ states give and it will be given to you, and we’ve also heard it said that an antidote to personal suffering is to help someone in greater suffering. My experience attests to both proverbs.
I had reached a point in my life when the agony of self-hate was unbearable and no matter how hard I tried or how much motivation and inspiration I soaked in, I failed to apply to myself the radical love and compassion Christ’s command requires. It was here, at the end of this rope that I received the insight from Christ’s maxim: Give, and it will be given to you.
A lot of the time we want to receive and then claim that having received we will be able to give. But let God be true and all men liars. For as truly as the sun rises, it is only when I started giving others patience, kindness, compassion, and sacrificial service in sobriety and humility as Christ instructs, that I realized that I am abounding in beautiful, lovely treasures. And that has made all the difference.
In Isizulu, one of the eleven languages of South Africa, the proverb states that umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu. Even though we fail to apply it, I like the heart of this expression as it basically re-enforces my discovery that it is through manifesting and bestowing sincere love on others that we get to recognize the value and power within ourselves and serve it to neighbors beyond our self-cocoon. Commensurately, it is in our dishonor of others that we accumulate hatred for ourselves.
Moreover, Scripture confirms,
When we see others as lovable, we begin to also see ourselves as lovable. I understand this as the mirroring or reflection phenomenon. It’s through applying signals, in this case, love (patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, mercy, service, generosity) that we can perceive feedback that we can relate to ourselves, and then review and, or repeat.
Living out love’s virtues reveals us as we truly are, and the more we are revealed virtuous, the more we grow in appreciation of our value addition, significance, and potential to contribute to making the world a better place. As we affect impact in our world, the more we feel good, and the more we like ourselves. The more the liking of ourselves overflows, the more we love our neighbor, and like ourselves even more! ^^,
As I’ve demonstrated patience, kindness, acceptance, and honor to others, I have proved and approved the law that state that we receive a proportional reward for how we give. In the case of love, gains are the abundant life of overflowing fulfillment, goodness, peace, and joy in my heart.
It is true. Through loving my neighbor I have come to like myself. Consequently, I can love my neighbor as myself. Thereby fulfilling the law and the prophets. One moment at a time. 😉
xoxo
Nimi
Kingdom Purposed Daughter 
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